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  • Writer's picturePaakhi M

The Indecisive One

"Yeah? Well, you have no one to turn to; not even a gender! I saw you. I saw you cuddling up to her in that photo, at that party! I guess being straight is too boring for you now, isn't it? You want to try something new. You are indecisive. You don't know what you want. I'm not enough for you, I'm just a stain on your bisexuality, ain't I?" Raj yelled at her, rage blinding all reason.

"Really, Raj? That's a cheap shot, even for you. I told you that because I doubted my own identity, not for you to judge me!" Tina huffed.

"No one knows this, not even my own parents, and you decide to exploit this in an argument?! I expected more from you. I told you, didn't I? I told you that one day when you decide to feel as insecure as a llama, you would bring this back to me. You would stab me with the fact that I was stupid enough to tell you what I was feeling!"

Having raised her voice at the end, she paused, clearing her throat. The person in front of her didn't deserve her tears.

"Guess, what? You have wounded me more than anyone ever could," she continued, unshed tears glinting in her eyes as she picked her bag up and made her way to the door.

"Tina! Wait!" He yelled, jumping to grab her wrist, "please, honey. I'm sorry," he continued, lowering his eyes to the ground as a pang of unfamiliar guilt invaded him.

He violated her trust and confidence.

He knew that.

"I would have told you she's my sister-in-law if you wouldn't have jumped to conclusions," she said in a low voice, ripping her hand from his grip. "You don't trust me. You think that I thought that you weren't enough. The truth is, that you think that someone who is attracted to both genders isn't enough for you. Well, news flash, Raj. Nothing will ever be enough for you. You are insecure, you don't trust anyone. You," she said, poking at his chest, "need to understand that no one is out to get you. And I," she continued, pointing at herself, "can't do this anymore."

She turned away, walking out the door as a cold her bit at her cheeks, an unromantic blush adorning her face. When she had gone to the US for grad school a few years back, she didn't know that she'll be in a relationship with someone.

She definitely didn't know she would be attracted to girls.

Discovering a change in her sexuality at 22 was surprising, to say the least. Her crush in high school was a boy, so was her boyfriend at university. But seeing a girl at her grad school, for the first time, she felt like she was attracted to her. She had grown up in a less-orthodox Indian family. They were open to things, and if her parents knew that their daughter was bisexual, they would probably not have a heart attack. But she knew. In the deepest corner of her parents' hearts, they would feel disappointed knowing that their daughter isn't normal.

Then there was the backlash she knew she would face for the rest of her life. Having conformed to love no specific gender, she knew that she could hug no friend without making it awkward for her partner. Unless they were the most secure person on the planet. And experience had told Tina that there were no secure people on the Earth when it came to relationships.

"You are indecisive. You don't know what you want."

'I'm the indecisive one. I don't know what I want!' she thought to herself, snickering as her heels clacked against the pavement. She buried her hands deep in her coat pockets, her hand brushing against the hidden Bisexual Pride flag as a gush of cold wind blew across her body. Her apartment was barely two blocks away from Raj's, and a walk was what she needed to clear her mind.

Tina thought that being bisexual was something to hide. Perhaps it was worse than being gay or lesbian.

'Perhaps what Raj said was true, I don't have anyone to turn to. Not even a gender.' she thought to herself as familiar darkness seemed to surround her.

"I know what I want," she stopped and decided, muttering under her breath. The gate to her apartment complex was barely fifty feet away, and she felt if she crossed that threshold, she would leave something behind. There was a flame in her heart, she wanted to escape the darkness that society had plunged her into. Her sexuality was hers to own, and hers to decide. If she was attracted to both genders, it was her choice. People don't have the right to judge her.

Even if they do, she doesn't care what they say.

"I want to love boys and girls. I want to be who I want to be, without being afraid to show my true self. I want to not be judged, to feel free in my own skin. I know what I want."

Her hand gripped the Pride flag in her pocket, and she ripped it out of the darkness, bringing it to the light as its colors shined in the dim light. The red, purple, and blue shades seemed to reflect on her face, her tear-stricken cheeks finally stretching into a smile. She inhaled deeply, wrapping the piece of cloth around her hand, holding it proudly. She held her head high as she walked through the doors.

She likes boys. She likes girls. No, she doesn't have to choose.

Image source: Adrirodri.gar /


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